Day ii65, Giving Blood and Setting Targets

Endo 365

Do not fear this is not going to be some ‘Give-us-all-your-blood-because- we-are-about-to emotionally-manipulate-you’ radio advert (they get me every time).

No no, this is all about small miracles and having incentives (or carrots) to pedal towards.

Not following the link? Understandable, let me explain.

Following my first operation (when I got my diagnosis) I felt a very strong duty to aid the health service in whichever civilian way I could- mainly for all the little dots who were seriously ill around me and practically lived there, on our ward.

The very fact that a child born without arteries leading back to his heart, gets a free and comprehensive health care allowing him to live until his twenties instead of days is just the most incredible thing. This probably won’t come as a surprise to you, but every so often (usually when I am on a long drive) I end up having a real think about the National Health Service as an institution that serves our country, and I cry. We are so so lucky to be born into a country with the facility for free point of care health service. And I know I can be one of the first people to moan about the NHS and its insufficiency’s, but in its essence, it is brilliant: think about how different ‘Breaking Bad’ would be if it were set over here… just sayin’… we are so lucky to live in a society where a constitution exists with the 7th best health care in the world (above many privet health care nations) where we need not worry about being hit with a huge bill on top of the trauma resulting in us going to hospital, is such a privilege.

 I have family in America and it genuinely astounds them that we do not have to pay (I know we do indirectly through taxes) for medical attention. If, like me, you have always lived in England and you have, like me, been socially conditioned into thinking how inefficient the NHS can be, just for a second, take a step back and actually think about what the NHS actually is.

So, at times I get romantic about the NHS as a socialist haven.

I think that it is because of this that I have always felt it imperative to give blood and do whatever small ripple I can, for something at such little cost to our wellbeing can save another person’s life.

That to me is a no brainer.

However, I have never been allowed to give blood (like many people with endo) because in the time I have been old enough to give blood, my health or medication has not allowed for it. And that made me miserable and felt like rubbing more salt in the wound. I have either been too anaemic or fatigued or on too much medication or post opp’s.

So, for me, the simple, normal, every-woman-every-man task of giving blood has been very high on my agenda and conscience for the last three years. It was something to work toward; something of great weight and importance to me. For me, it is on the same agenda as establishing my business or picking the right university or running a half marathon, even though giving blood is considered an everyday thing.

Except because of my story, history, context, it is so much of a greater thing.

So on the Monday before my birthday I gave blood and it was just so perfectly liberating.

And (probablymaybe because of the whoremoans) I cried. It felt like a victory, a real win. I wouldn’t have been able to do this without my operation because I still would be have been on GNrH.

Endometriosis (or anything you have to battle in life) can short-term limit us, and unfortunately even long-term sometimes.  I do not think I would be half as motivated or positive if I didn’t have anything to strive towards or feel proud for having overcome and still achieved.  Having fixed goals pioneers focus, having goals inspires motivation, having goals creates discipline, having goals builds and sustains a strong, healthy mind. It quantifies and measures the everyday things we achieve without even realizing what a big deal it was to get up and go to word when you don’t feel like it. 

As I stated in my previous blog, endo can induce an helpless, endless frustration because it isn’t like breaking your leg. You can’t take it easy for 4 months and then in a years time you forgot that you even did it. I will feel the repercussions from my endometriosis for the rest of my life because it has sensitized my bowels to about 40 different foods. However by setting goals, the endless nature becomes more manageable.

Set some time aside and get an A3 sheet and loads of coloured pens and just get it all down, then order it realistically. It doesn’t matter whether the goal is climbing Mount Everest or something simple but a sign of achievement to you like attending a full week at school or work, explaining to three people in one day about your endometriosis, or just giving blood.

Once you have your short-term goals nailed, think long term. If you have read other blogs you may know I hate wasted time, having a little list of goals ensures if there is an opportunity, I always have something productive to do or work towards. During recovery I even had things as futile as making a scrapbook from traveling on my list. But it gave me focus and structure. So it doesn’t matter what it is really. It is also very empowering, you are saving yourself piece at a time and not surrendering to the pain.

“Success is not necessarily doing big things. It can be doing little things in a great way.

Set achievable, yet desirable goals and make yourself proud.

Be smart and be brave,

AL XXXX

Day 282, We Need YOU!

Endo 365

 

As some of you may be aware, this week is 'National Trustee Week' and as they do every year, The Guardian hold a competition for trustee of the year.

Our very own Carol Pearson has made it very deservingly into the top 5 and we need your vote.

Why vote for Carol? Well, she is certainly one of the most inspirational people I have ever met and I certainly have a lot of time and respect for her, as I do my fellow trustees. It is not for me to tell her story, but endometriosis has definitely changed the course of her life and she acts with such dignity,  strength and grace that you could mistake her for a real life heroine from a Dickens novel. Leeeegit.   Anyway instead of going on like her biggest fan I'll let The Guardian do the talking, here is her bio telling you all you need to know:

                " Carol is a trustee for Endometriosis UK and according to her nominator nothing is too much trouble for Carol - from climbing Snowdon to donning pink knickers. Her campaigning for patient involvement and voice has shaped the charity and empowered people to manage their lifelong and incurable conditions.

Although she is a endometriosis sufferer herself she dedicates so much time and effort to the charity that they say they would not be able to provide the service without her.

Carol is said to be a invaluable advocate for endometriosis sufferers who struggle with benefit and employment traumas and a superb speaker for the charity. Recently, she gave a moving and informative Ted Talk to raise awareness. "

So please vote using your phone, laptops, tablets: http://www.theguardian.com/voluntary-sector-network/poll/2014/nov/08/trustee-of-the-year-award-2014?CMP=twt_gu and pass it around your circles...

We often laugh that the reason we are not on anti-depressants is because of volunteering and I think there is some truth in that. I certainly need the charity far more than it needs me, the knowledge that I might be helping and am giving back is enough to help me sleep at night. So as well as this blog post being a plug for the amazing Carol to win as she so deserves to, if you feel like many of us do like you want to do something, visit the Endo UK website and see what volunteering capacity may suit you; from being trained up on the helpline to hosting a pink pants tea party we need you and I highly recommend its therapeutic benefits. I find it comforting because by actively and positively doing something out of my pain, I am elevating myself from that horrid victim status. It takes time to regroup and have enough of yourself to then give in this capacity so if you aren't up to it yet or simply do not have the energy, do not feel guilty, you have to be in the right frame of mind, maybe you can just plug awareness in your own circles.

Keep tapping at that wall,

Al XXXX

Day 309, Tears, Snot and Mascara

Endo 365

Now anyone that really knows me, knows that in some respects I have a icy
cold heart. Reading is probably my favourite past time, I connect with words
and stories and ideas and metaphors, and English Literature was my absolute
favourite subject at school. However unlike the other bookworms I know, I very rarely cry at books (unless they were about dying children or fertility) because,
well I am constantly aware that it is just a story. It is exactly the same with films. I have
friends who sit beside me tearing through the tissues at the Notebook or
Moulon Rouge whilst I sit there, profoundly moved or sad or whatever, but
unable to cry.

Meanwhile put on something as seemingly futile and 'comedic' as "What to
Expect When You're Expecting" and my face erodes into a meandering river of
tears, snot and mascara.

I, like most people in life, am not comfortable with being venerable. So
crying doesn't sit too easily with me- especially in anywhere public. Hence the car-park-crying ritual post consultation. Its a cracker.

That would be awfully 'un-British' of me. And Allie doesn't do crocodile
tears.

When you are going through hell, it is quite often that you just push on, do
not give yourself time to cry because sometimes we are scared we might never
stop. It is only afterwards that we tend to step back and think- Wow, that was solid. I was solid.

My earliest memory of crying was at a family day out at a theme park and I
must have been young as I had reins on (you know, like a dog lead but for
children. Yep my parents tied me up and walked me like a canine and they wonder why I have authoritative issues) Mother Darling left to go on one of those things that shoots you vertically up and waits...and waits... then comes hurtling back down again. I can remember screaming thinking it would collapse and kill my momma- I
couldn't understand why she had left me to do it... and worse, she left me
with dad. I mean who would feed me?! I would have grown up on a diet of
baked beens and silage wearing potato sacks as gucci. It is a funny memory but kinda distressing.

Firstly, I think we do not like crying because It is.. well it is upsetting
in its nature.  However, if we have something to be upset about, then crying
allows us to express ourselves and vent. And it speeds up the process, the
storm passes so much quicker, like its on fast forward. If you bottle it up,
stuff festers and that isn't good. Who wants mouldy emotions?

When we are younger we cannot properly confront how we feel so things take
time to heal, but when we are sentient adults, we have no excuse bar
cowardice, not to confront the truth and deal with how we feel. As a kid I
was seriously bullied for five years. It took me almost double that to not be angry
anymore and accept an apology I never got. To some extents I think I will always be scared and effected by it but it has happened and I am sure as hell not going to let them still win today. I am a happier, better and bigger person now because of it. And in many ways I think of it as essential Karma... It equipped me swimmingly to mentally fight my endo. I do not believe that I would fair as well had I do  now had I not had to work through that stuff as a younger Alice. So I have screamed and shouted and god knows I have cried and mourned for parts of my childhood, but the tears helped wash it under the bridge and now the burden has been lifted- and it feels great. And the best bit is that it taught me the importance of loving yourself from an early age which usually comes later on.

Endometriosis is crap. There is no two ways about it.

But so is cancer.

And living in poverty in Ethiopia.

And having your life tipped upside down in Syria.

And having your heart broken or losing a parent. 

And a million other things.

The point is bad stuff happens every day, to all sorts of people; rich or poor, good or bad. Its is all
relevant to your life and your experiences and perspective- and unfortunatly there isnt much we can do about the facts of the situation.

Don't sell your self the illusion (which I am always guilty of doing) 'I
strong and I do not cry.' No Al, you're not a robot. You're an idiot sometimes
When you are going through hell, it is quite often that you just push on, do
not give yourself time to cry because sometimes we are scared we might never
stop.

Allow yourself that time.

It is good to have the occasional cry, and sometimes for no reason. I sobbed
all the way home from work the other day in the car, no one knew (except you
reading this) and now I feel so much better. Some people would liken it to being constipated but obviously that person would not be me..

When you have endo you have so much armour up all the time to get through
the daily routine. And you are my hero. But it's heavy- so give your self a
break but without indulging in it.

I know we often cry a lot form pain, but I am not talking about that.

Empower yourself to just be. As my annoying friends sometimes tell me, it is okay to be venrable.

And then you can carry on being superwoman.

All my love,

AlXXX

Day 130, Hocus-Pocus-And-Everything-Acupuncture

Endo 365

Okay, so if you have read a blog of mine previously (bless you) then you may be aware that I am a closet hippie and am up for giving anything a go and generally keep my mind as open as my gob.

So of course, Alice has taken a little tip down the route of acupuncture.

Or as my very dyslexic grandma calls is (I love you, you gorgeous little shrivy): ’Ackie-Punchie’

As you man know, I have been doing it now for three months but only wanted to write a blog after the dust had settled and I felt I could reflect more objectively. 

I have read numerous times over the past five years about acupuncture being brilliant for endo, and for some reason never took it up. I think there is an element of variables: when you are pursuing different medical routes you try and stick to one new thing to work out whether it makes a difference. So perhaps I didn’t want to mix voodoo and menopause- who knows.

All  I know is that two months after my ‘metamorphosis’  surgery I was getting in increasing daily pain and we all started panicking. A friend of mine was just about to start Ackieeeeee-Punchieee so not one to miss out; I decided to give it a go.

I am very lucky as one of my jobs is for a Marketing Consultancy Firm and one of our clients is a brilliant natural health care centre. So I popped down for my initial consultation (£75 Yikes!) which was two hours long talking about everything from car crashes at 3, to endo, to my bowel movements and ‘emotional wellbeing’. And yes I did cry, okay? She is just so lovely and understanding I wanted to call her aunty, climb into her oversized jumper and hug her. But I didn’t, in fear she wouldn’t see me again.

She rightly was very straight with me from the offset; because of the prolonged intense pain my body has been under, the initial course of acupuncture would have to be fairly intensive and then we could ease off until hopefully I will only need to come home from uni once a month for a lil top up. I was told there was no point pursuing it unless we were going to do it properly; they no more undersubscribe than oversubscribe.  We agreed to me going three half-hours a week for three months (with massive discounts) and then reducing it from that. However for some reason my body responded very swiftly and I only ever had it twice a week and that soon reduced to thrice fortnightly.

It is an interesting experience… I never research things like this before trying it so I have no subconscious preconceptions. However just from general discourse I had imagined that I would be lying on my front with a thousand pins dotted all over my back and in pain, coming out of the session looking like a colander.  

However, this could not be further from the truth.

They are just little hair sized pins that are so tiny they do not draw blood or leave a mark, you cannot I can only feel them go in on areas where there isn’t much fat like my feet and they are left in until you feel something. It is different for everyone, but for me… Its like a pull towards the pin and then a slight (nice) electric shock. I sound crazy I know but I am still in amazement with this. Here is a proper explanation from the British Acupuncture Council:

“In general, acupuncture is believed to stimulate the nervous system and cause the release of neurochemical messenger molecules. The resulting biochemical changes influence the body's homeostatic mechanisms, thus promoting physical and emotional well-being. Stimulation of certain acupuncture points has been shown to affect areas of the brain that are known to reduce sensitivity to pain and stress.

There is preliminary evidence to support acupuncture as an effective treatment for endometriosis, with one small sham controlled trial (Wayne 2008) and a few comparative studies against Western medication (Yan 2008, Xia 2006, Sun 2006), though further research is needed to confirm this.

It has been shown that acupuncture treatment may specifically be of benefit in people with endometriosis by: providing pain relief - by stimulating nerves located in muscles and other tissues, acupuncture leads to release of endorphins and other neurohumoral factors, and changes the processing of pain in the brain and spinal cord. It reduces inflammation - by promoting release of vascular and immunomodulatory factors Kavoussi , and regulates levels of prostaglandins.”

I read that Western technology is beginning to catch up with ackieee-punchie and they have given MRI scans to people receiving it, where they can see different areas of the brain reacting to the treatment.

 It is still hard to explain why it is so darn good for chronic pain conditions and raising your immune system, however having now tried it for three months, I can honestly say it is working. And I do not care whether it is a helping-yourself-placebo, because I am far less tired for doing it and I do not wake up in pain every day any more.

The down sides are that it is expensive. If you go to a practitioner, they generally will come to some payment deal with you because if they really are invested in helping people, they will want to meet you on a middle ground.  

However, acupuncture is now available one the NHS- arm yourself with education about acupuncture, empower yourself and take your GP. They may not be game, but do not take no for an answer- you are (I do not use this word often) entitled for an acupuncture referral if you suffer from chronic pain and endo.  Keep going back until they agree. There is something terribly un-British about making a nusence of yourself, but if it betters you in the long run- who cares? To wake up not in pain, indeed Chris” I'd run round Skipton market naked, smeared in plum jam, wearing nothing but a knitted tea cosy on me head and singing "Jerusalem".

Or if you do have privet health care or what not and would like to go independently then research places local to do, there is ever more choice so ensure you pick the right one. Ring up and ask for some information and make an informed decision before choosing which is the right place for you.  

And I really must stress, that this is not for everyone. Unfortunately this did not work for a very good friend of mine. But she is still glad she tried it because we have to give ourselves the best chance and exhaust every option. 

If you have any stories, or would like any more advice, please feel free to contact me: alice.smith@marriottfarm.co.uk

All my love,

Enjoy this weather if you can my little minx’s

Al XXX

P.s I really would like to say a huge thank you to my mother for supporting me through this both financially and giving me the little push of confidence to try it. Thank you for being so inspirationally proactive and supportive; allowing and encouraging me to give everything a go. 

Day 108, The Cup and String

Endo 365

Ye Olde Cup and String

One of the best words to singularly describe endometriosis (if you can) is this: Debilitating.

Ironically, I am writing this blog to you sat in my PJ's (it has gone four o'clock in the afternoon) sat on my settee with 'Midsomers Murders' in the back ground. Tragic I know, and if I don't shower soon, mum will refuse to bring me anymore rose teas.

Disgusting. You just cannot find the staff these days.

Anyway, the point is- I should be in a summery suit today selling my little hind off at work today. But I am not. Instead my hind is losing the will to live listening to Inspector Barnaby and Co. Bare with me because even if you do not have endo, the same principles in this blog apple to anything you struggle with or problems you may have to over come...

So it is important that we have a support network around us at times like this. It doesn't necessarily have to be people with endo, although speaking to other people who know exactly what you are going through is beautifully cathartic.

When I was diagnosed at 14, I did not know what it was, let alone my peers who hadn't had any gynaecological problems, especially the boys! So I felt incredibly (and I mean that in its proper sense)  isolated. And a bit like a freak. And the last thing you need on top of the pain and emotional trauma is self pity.

When diagnosed with endo it is easy to feel like a freak show. Now of course you learn that that is stupid, however at the beginning it is not like that. It feels like no one you come into contact with knows what Endometriosis is, which furthers the isolation and can belittle it and can be embarrassing like you are making it up (!).

To ensure I remained sane, I realise now that I built my own small, but solid network. An intimate few best friends who I was very honest with and could articulate, vent, cry, laugh, and fine solace.

Never let pride or fear keep you from being honest from your real friends. You soon learn who they are and what they are made of. Unfortunately not everyone steps up to the plate, but its not because they do not love you, but either their fighting their own battles or just do not have it in them to fight yours. Things like endometriosis equip you with the tool to be strong enough to those who need you, and that is a silver lining gift.

The more I started dipping my toe into the endometriosis networking warters via twitter, emails and attending events, the more fulfilling it became. I thought I had about made it in terms of having amazingly strong friends to support me, I thought I was sorted... But I found comfort that I didn't realise I could achieve from sharing my story and hearing others.

Be brave; take the plunge. 

It isnt easy, your heart is on a platter to virtual strangers and sometimes there are hives of negativity. My advice is avoid the black hole cases like the plague; they are toxic. And do not become one. Those two simple rules should be enough to safeguard you.

Sharing your story can be very very draining so be prepared. Things are always worse when you are whoremonal and tired. And some days I just do not have enough reserved to tell my story. Be kind with yourself, strike a strong and healthy balance.

However I can honestly say that sharing my story is the key to my acceptance with it all. I was angry for quite a while- Why me? Why does no one know what endometriosis is when it has such a monumental impact on my life? So I decided to do something about it. I cannot take it away but I can ensure my life and the people in it never feel embarrased or uneasy, I tackled the elephant in the room and it is great to talk about it. I found talking about it liberating and a sort of therapy. If you haven't already, try it. I dare ya. 

In the last few years 'Endometriosis UK' has undergone a huge change and offers far more to teenagers now than ever before (Beret's off to them). With support groups mushrooming, and an increasing online support network, things are heading in the right direction, however everyone can do their bit to aid this process. Raise awareness via your social media, offering your most positive and helpful nugget of knowledge and advice to those who need it- or just listening.

Sorority. 

Sisterhood. 

Chicks before Dicks. 

Hoes before those pesky Bros. 

You know what I'm getting at. Communication is essential to not only spreading awareness, but empowering fellow sufferers in the knowledge that you are not alone in what and how you feel, and what is amazing is that you do not need to explain in great detail because they know exactly what you mean.

An ineffable, universal understanding amongst fellow people. 

Straight from the Endo UK website:

'Endometriosis UK Online Support Groups take place each month using Skype. The purpose of these groups to is provide a support and information to women who don’t have access to a local support group and feel isolated.

Each month our trained Online Support Group leaders choose a topic to focus on and discuss with group members.

How do I join an Online Support Group?

If you would like to join the Online Support Group, please email your name, skype username and the email address it is registered to, along with your phone number to support@endometriosis-uk.org.'

If you are a teen with endo, and you'd like to partake in a online support group on skype with me- then just sign up here: http://endometriosis-uk.org/civicrm/event/info?reset=1&id=37#.U341k9q9KSM - But be quick as there are only limited spaces! I'll see you there!!

All my love,

Be strong and stay positive,

And if you would like to share your story with me, I love sharing with new people: alice.smith@marriottfarm.co.uk

Al XXXX

Day 90, My Three Month Anniversary

Endo 365

I'ma let you into a little secret: The last threeish months I have been struggling more than I have let on. I would say one month and a half into recovery I was getting increasing pain and more frequently. The pain should be going down slowly after my op. So we had a fun trip down to see my surgeon (they're always fun because Bicester Village is en route home and mummy is always feeling sorry for me... Yay to guilt ridden presents).

He basically said that my pain should not be increasing  and perhaps this pain is not down to the endo (which no longer currently  resides in my tummy, although there is life long damage to which it has kudos for). He believes the pain may be down to my ovaries- which is realistically a whole new dump of shite. If anyone knows anything relating to ovulation pain etc, could you be a darling and tell me? alice.smith@marriottfarm.co.uk

Now we have got rid of my endo, the the marina coil which stops it from growing back does not switch my ovaries off which is probably now causing me pain, but if we go on the oestrogen led back-to-back pill to knock off Ye Olde ovaries, then the endo will grow back.

Can I ever win? Typical.

Of course I can, I am just being dramatic.

Anyway, it was quite horrible news, momma and al cried in the car park as only true Brits would. It felt like I had just been awarded the albatross around my neck; a life sentence of pain until I had 'The Hysteria Removed' (hysterectomy). Which could be 15 years of daily agony. And that's IF I find someone stupid enough to marry me.

But as always, I have now digested this news and am feeling positive.

(In Welsh accent for those of you have watched Gavin and Stacey) And I shall tell you for why.

Rational Al kicked in: It has only been three months since my op. I now realise being back to normal within a week was perhaps,  maybe, a little optimistic and neieve. However the more I think about it: my stomach has been sliced and diced and I suddenly have all these hormones I haven't had for four years. OF COURSE things will take a minimum of six months before I establish any normality. And in the meantime, I shall enjoy the morphine.

Three months really is not enough time to give the coil to settle in when you're mystical organs are as pedantic as mine. I am young, gynaecologically defective, recovering from and op and reopening the can of mensturation and hormones so of course it will take longer than the average time to settle in and sort out. Just Relax, take it easssssyyyy. 

And finally, if the worst case senareo becomes my reality, and this is it, then, well... it is what it is.
 I can only accept it and work with it, being upset and defeated by it is not unfortunatley, going to take the pain away. I will just have to learn to cope and live with it because that will be my reality. I'm not saying that I won't see every specialist possible. I am not saying I won't pursuit my diet and accupuncture and yoga. I am not saying that I will lie down and take the pain, indeed I shall exhaust every possible avenue of hope. But I will accept it if it is my reality like I accept replacement bus services: annoying but you've got to adapt and go with it.

I have started accupuncture but that is a whole new story for another blog i'm planning once I am further into my course. Touch wood, so far so good.

One of the weirdest things for me is after four years, no longer being on my menopause. You can read all about my WhoreMoan related troubles in my last blog.

All in all, when all is said and done, at the end of the day, life is good.

Life is so good. And I choose to enjoy it. Simple as A, B, C. 

The summer is approaching, I have so much to look forward to and  come this time next week i'll have finally firmed the university to which I will be studying at for the next three years (Last minute as ever).

When I reflect over how I felt three months ago, I know a lot more now... Which is a strange thing to say. I know my fertility- which is a good knowledge as it is positive news and one less worry. I know even more about the condition and my own body. I can begin to predict and expect things about my life in the future.

I am on the better side, with hopefully in many ways, the worst time behind me. And if there are bad times ahead which I anticipate, I will equip myself with the strongest tools to fight with.

And I'll have a hell of a lot of fun on the way.

Be brave, be strong and be happy,

Here's evidence of my happiness three months on,

Now I'm off to do a tour of all the beer gardens in Leicestershire. I shall Let you know the results.

All my love,

Al XXX

Day 85, WhoreMoans

Endo 365

WhoreMoans AKA Crappy hormones (Also an oxymoron as they are always crappy, oh gosh so punny)

Yep- this blog has been long overdue.

And one of the reasons for this is because, well, I haven't had any hormones. Or at least, I haven't had any for almost five years and so these last three months since my op where I have suddenly developed breasts and feelings has been a strange but rather exciting one.

Lemme expand: Having had my ovaries shut down since I was 14, I have escaped the typically dramatic, irrational and traumatic symptoms of being a teenage girl. GNrH irradiated my body gynaecologically of being anything other than a 90 year old which is kinda strange but no periods and no spots are a winning combination for anyone, even boys although the latter is only relevant.

One of the weirdest things about no longer being on my menopause is that suddenly I have these totally irrational and unprovoked diva tantrums and chaos erupts in the repressed annoying  female part of my brain. I am aware of myself getting snappy-dude about something that previously would have washed over me. And it is so annoying, I have to force myself to step outside of the situation and give myself a metaphorical slap in the face. I pride myself upon being low maintenance (yeah thats right- I said it) and just rolling with the flow of whatever. But there are now occasionally little devil voices getting me unnecessarily agro about stupid suff. And that is annoying.

Growing up I have always been an agony aunt to my friends and siblings which I love. Those people who commonly complain that people only come to them for advice when they need it shouldn't feel begrudging of that. Be proud that you are the person they feel they can turn to when they need reason, sense, a little love and maybe some fair truths, If you are this person, be proud. ANYWAY. Growing up, especially in the last 5 years, peers have always seeked my council and I would absolutely be able to empathise and advise to the best of my knowledge. However I would secretly question whether I was a sociopath as I was unaffected by the same worries and concerns.

I assumed this was because maybe I'm a little mature for my age or because I have a fair amount of life experience under my belt, or because I pretty much know who I am, especially for an 18 year old. But I was wrong.

So, so wrong.

The reason those matters didn't factor into my life was not because I am as cool as a cucumber, but because chemically, my brain wasn't wired in the same way. I was vaguely aware of this at the time but you only realise the difference things make afterwards.

I was not exempt from petty discourse but immune to thinking that way. The potential was within me, just repressed.

Serves me right for thinking I was low-maintenance eh?

Since my hormones have been switched back on, I am beginning to realise the difference it has made, but I quite like it. It is almost like I'm normal.

Almost.

I am getting spots cyclically, becoming irrational, agro and worried without due reason, my boobs have grown (wahoo, maybe one day I will fill a AAAAA).

I can remember why I used to call them 'whoremones' now- because they're no fun and so anti sisterhood I can't even tell you.

I had a great ride being a rational autonomous human being, but I have now landed back into the female world of mayhem and madness, and its kind of nice to be back. Even if I do feel my thighs are a little too fat.

F.Y.I. These WhoreMoans have changed my views towards my own figure... I weight no more than I did before they were unleashed around my bloodstream, and my clothes fit exactly the same, however I feel in myself more insecure about my figure. I know objectively that this is not my body but these whoremoans. So its worth baring in mind that you aren't actually fat, or anything like how you feel in the slightest. Its those pesky anti-sisterhood whoremoans.

To those people who's heads are bitten off and made into BBQ meat- I apologise and we should brain storm about the business opportunities in my new ability to breathe fire. I believe it to be a family trait. I would appreciate it if you didn't sell me to the circus though.

On a serious note, (Sorry for lowering the tone) do not beat yourself up for how you are around a certain time of month. Never repress yourself, but bare in mind that it isn't you, you would never react like that, you have been hijacked by the anti-feminists pirates  'Whoremones'. So count to 3, deeeeeeeeep breaaaath and ask yourself whether your reaction is proportionate and whether you are actually cross. From a family where women have historically, without fail suffered from PMS (You can even look us up in the loony bin, we're famous- you go girls) I want to urge people to not be embarrassed, go to your doctor and get it sorted if it is a serious issue. My momma ended up having a full hysterectomy (literally removing the hysteria) to solve it. Very few women are as extreme as my matriarch though so do not fear. Try and be rational, be kind to yourself and be open.

Because of my personality, I do not think I will suffer to any extremes hormonally, thankfully. However there is no shame if you do, you haven't done anything to warrent it.

My hormones are a walk in the park compared to the rest of it, I just thought it was interesting and I would share the change with you, a lighter blog and a big of a giggle.

Learn from my mistake,  never underestimate women's WhoreMoans,

All my love to you crazy Moo's,

Al XXX

Day 80, Life is all about Perception, Perspective and Context

Endo 365

"My Perception is my Reality" 

I do not know why, maybe its the Literature geek in me, but I have a big thing for context. Perhaps it is the curious cat in me. I can't say for sure, all I know is that I feel it is central to pretty much everything along with perception and perspective. I guess I better make like a philosophy and literature essay and define what I mean by these three words:

Perception: Ones interpretation and understanding of the world and all in it.

Perspective: Ones views and attitude towards what has been perceived.

Context: All the 'stuff' people do not necessarily see or understand behind the scenes of our lives, decisions and views. The 'cause' that results in the 'effect'.

Our perception on where we have been and what we have seen and experienced gives us perspective and makes us who we are today giving us the context to our lives. Cause and Effect. I see context as the journey which gives you perspective, if you like. It is interesting. I am on the never ending quest of knowledge and love nothing more than getting to know someone, what made them who they are, their context, their perspective and indeed perception on life. Such a treat it is to get to know and understand another human being and what makes them tick. Who cares if they think me a little eccentric and inquisitive- because, lets face it, I am!

One thing I have come to realise: we are masters of our own experience. And we use our experience to contextualise the world and interpret it- our perspective. Thus, what we know is always subjectively laced by our own experience, values and beliefs. The saddest and happiest feelings we ever truly know are of our own. We can sympathise and rationally acknowledge that a greater sadness or love may exist, but the greatest we know truly is our own.

I am aware this sounds like intellectual indulgence right now, but bare with me.  There is a point that I am pedalling towards. I promise ya.

Although it may feel like we have the worst life, or the worst pain, or the worst luck, it is simply a case of being in the worst pain we know, and the worst luck. You do not spend every second with another person, shadowing their life and seeing just how unlucky they really are. And even then you cannot read their thoughts. If I may quote Atticus Finch "You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view... Until you climb inside of his skin and walk around in it."

Damn straight Finchy, and remember, there is a difference between understanding and fully experiencing. For example, I understand there are people who have a worse time with their endo than me, but in terms of my life, mine is the worse and I can't imagine it actually being any worse.

I may feel the pain I have experienced is the worst ever period pain imaginable: to be screaming uncontrollably having had 40mg of IV morphine, 20mg of IV Buscopain,  codine, napoxine, paracetamol, suppositories, sucked three tanks dry of laughing gass and god knows what else every two weeks is pretty extreme. But I know that there are people who have lived with greater pain, being partly blown up, eaten alive, lost limbs slowly with blunt objects, torchered, the list goes on (fun thought I know, I know). I know there are people out there worse off, but I cannot imagine that kind of pain. Likewise people probably think I am being dramatic when I try and articulate a pain attack for the same reason. Its all about the context and experience of our own lives. So try and remember this if people aren't particularly understanding, they're experiences don't match yours... I don't begrudge these few people, I feel kind of sorry for them that they can't think beyond their own experiences.

I'm warming up to my point now, I promise.

Our experiences educate and inform us, they challenge our beliefs and open our minds. I held slight prejudices towards people that I felt purposefully went out and abused their body and abused good health with things I formally view as self inflicted such as eating disorders.

When you have spent time in hospital with kids who will never go to school- you tend to develop a fierce attitude to how precious life is and how lucky you are to have it- irregardless of what you are dealing with. I used to get angry at the thought of people throwing their health away because I knew children who had no health and no choice.

However, last year my prejudices were challenged (it is very hard for my to write this as I consider myself an open minded person). Due to privet reasons, I realised that things I previously thought of as self inflicted, such as eating disorders, in many cases are as inevitable, tragic and helpless, as things thought of as unlucky and predetermined, without choice like my endometriosis.

My experience taught me that something I previously had  thought of as self inflicted, is not the case at all. In fact it is wrong, very very wrong. But I would never have believed that until I experienced it first hand. My perspective was challenged, changed and dramatically opened up.

Like Endo, mental health disorders are made taboos by the British Stiff Upper Lip (I would happily make you into a fat lip, you oppressive, close minded bigot).

I know this is controversial, but I believe this to be the truth: some people cannot help a mental health disorder no more than I can help develop endometriosis. Life is made up of cause and effect and our gene pools.

Something I was fiercely opinionated about and actually offended me, within a year my mind had been radically challenged and resulted in my opinion being changed, due to my experience.

The only time I struggle begrudging something is needless drug abuse. I understand the tragedy of addiction- but if you are the sort of person that can stop yourself getting there, then bloody well do. Because I would probably die for your body.

Although I am about to become a student, I know I will never try any drugs (I am not stereotyping all students into druggies here, just sayin'). Not because I'm a square. But because I appreciate the little health I have and will never do anything to jeopardise it. Plus the stuff I get on prescription is probably better and free anyway! So ha!

My point is this:

It is easy for people who suffer to begrudge others who seemingly have it easier and still moan. E.g. if my friends were to complain endlessly about cramps. But this is a selfish attitude to have because pain is relative to our experience and life isn't equal, and unknowingly I almost certainly complain about problems other people would die for.

This is the main thought that keeps me calm: I ask myself this- What do I really know of suffering? Have I ever worried for the saftey of my life? No. Have I ever worried when I will next have a meal or be able to have something to eat? No. If I get sick, do I know that I cannot access free healthcare to look after me? No. Will I always have a roof over my head? Yes. Are all my family still around me, live and kicking? Yes.

God, I am so lucky. 

Instead, I like to think of my problems in terms of a global scale. I contextualise my suffering to put it into perspective, make me realise how lucky I am. When I look to the developing world, I cannot help but feel better, even, god forbid, thankful, as an educated, strong, happy woman living in the society that facilitates every opportunity. But I also bare in mind that not everyone has my perspective or experience and so when they are complaining about problems I may prefer to my own, I never compare and treat them with the same seriousness I do my own.

View your problems separately to your friends, do not compare who's are greater,  it is very unhealthy, unhelpful and unproductive to do so.

So what is one person has a cold and the other has flu. Neither is going to detract or cure the other, so there is not point in involving egos. The base facts will remain the same, so you may as well get on the best you can.

I am grateful for the burdens I have carried because without them I wouldn't be me.

I use my strife to empower myself to view the bigger picture and view it positively.

Use your own experience to fuel your happiness and philosophies. You are in control of how you think and feel. Without turning this blog into Buddhist propaganda- "Every adversity, every failure, every heart ache, carries with it the seed of an equal or greater benefit."

You can become a victim of your history, or use it to fuel positive thoughts and proactively make your life better.

The worst pain you feel is no less valid that the worst pain I feel, or what Jow Bloggs feels.

It is that simple.

Life is all about context. And perception. Oh, and most importantly, perspective.

Be brave, Be happy, Think big and just be greatful for life,

All my love,

Al XXX

Day 70, Motivational Quotations (and why women with endo are more attractive)

Endo 365

"Some people think that to be strong is to never feel pain. However the strongest people are the ones who have felt pain, understood it, accepted it and have learned from it."

So, I have many bad habits. I cackle instead of laughing, I am always right- except when it comes to spelling (that I will admit), and when nobody is looking I pick my nose. I am sorry Granny, I know it isn't lady like. And i'm not afraid to admit this because after all... My blog is about periods. Taboos- I'm coming for ya! And don't pretend you don't!

I have a few good habits like everyone; I enjoy baking and exercise genuinely makes me feel good.

I have to actively seek 'good habits' because I am quite laid back and clumsy. (Is it just me or does the word 'habit' have an intrinsically negative quality to it? 'good habit' seems like either an oxymoron or suitable attire for a nun to me).

I unknowingly started in pursuit of one of my 'best habits' (positive thinking) pre diagnosis whilst very ill and in desperate need of hope that escaping from me.

Lemme set the scene...

It was a scary and depressing time in my life. I was fourteen and in chronic agony every day, being rushed into hospital twice a month with no rational reason behind what was happening to my body. It was also terribly isolating as no one else I knew my age was going through this and I was missing a LOT of time from school.

One day, fed up, I sat at our family computer and googled 'Motivational Quotations' in seek of mental escapism. I wanted to view a different perspective that challenged me, made me think, made me feel better and ultimately gave more hope than I probably previously had.

And it stuck.

I can spend hours and hours late at night unable to sleep just reading quotations. It was the enjoyment of thinking from new perspectives that led me to studying Philosophy and Ethics at A Level, and I will continue to read philosophy for the rest of my life.

These quotations opened the door to a new way of thinking for me. It established and positively moulded my personal philosophies and began to equip me with an attitude that both comforted and empowered me to be more than my suffering.

It is important that I stress I hate cleche and cheesey 'follow your heart and not your pea-sized-brain'quotations. I hope your find something refreshing in my quotations as I do.

Since then, I have kept a quotation journal (I am now on my third) of everything that has touched, challenged and inspired me. I hope one day these books will bring comfort to my children and grandchildren as they have done to me.

I want to share some of my favourites with you, maybe they might have a similar effect. Also, due to late night reading, some brilliant links and ideas.

Now this blog seems long but it is shorter than my other ones- maybe take time to read this blog and fully digest the quotations. I was ruthless and edited so many quotations out but I couldn't cut any more... Apologies!

Firstly, to put a smile on your face, here is a link to why women with endo are more attractive... thats right ladies, like we need telling: http://endometriosis.org/news/research/attractiveness-of-women-with-endometriosis/

Oh- and why most women with endo tend to be skinny: http://www.hormonesmatter.com/endometriosis-is-more-common-in-skinny-women-an-oped-follow-up/

The Endo Diet which I followed for a year and helped, however now I follow the FOBMAPs diet I realise the onions and veg I was eating did't help... http://www.endo-resolved.com/diet.html

Fobmaps Diet- This has made a REAL difference to my pain and energy levels, it is hard to get in motion but once you have worked out your meals is above and beyond worth it. Because I often eat on the go, I have a stock of 'Alice Friendly' food in my freezer which is plastic boxes of portions of food from batches when I cook. Here is the diet- http://www.lowfodmap.com/fodmaps-explained/ Here is what you can eat- http://www.ibsdiets.org/fodmap-diet/fodmap-food-list/

Visanne- I tried this for a year upon my professor looking for alternatives for GNrH- it is the first drug ever made specifically for Endometriosis http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dienogest

GNrH is the only thing that medically worked for me but is only a temporary treatment. Boo. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gonadotropin-releasing_hormone_antagonist

If there is anything you would like to ask me further, please email me: alice.smith@marriottfarm.co.uk

I am looking for a new TENs Machine, does anyone have a recommendation?

Grateful for life:

I shall start with the quotation that was the catalyst to making me feel lucky and value life, and gives me goose bumps pretty much every time I read it:
"No matter how good or how bad you have it, make up each day thankful for your life. Someone somewhere is desperately fighting for theirs."

"Bad things happen; How I respond to them defines my character and the quality of my life. I can choose to sit in perpetual sadness, immobilised by the gravity of my loss, or I can choose to rise from the pain and treasure the most precious gift I have- Life itself."

"A happy person is not a person in a certain set of circumstances, but rather a person with a certain set of attitudes."

"The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths and into the light." Thats you and me.

"Life is too short not to make the best and the most of everything that comes our way everyday." Sasha Azevedo

"Great spirits have always faced opposition from mediocre minds." Albert Einstein

"The only disability in life is a bad attitude." HELLS to the YEAH.

"Love yourself enough to leave that toxic situation. Know in your heart that you deserve better." Be it friendship, lover, job or state of mind.

"Take Pride in your pain; you are stronger than those who have none." This is so so so true.

"Being happy doesn't mean that everything is perfect. It means that you have decided to look beyond the imperfections." This applies to people too.

"Life is not what it is suppose to be. It is what it is. The way you cope with it is what defines us as people. We all face similar battles."

"There are only two days in the year that nothing can be done. One is called 'yesterday', and the other is called 'tomorrow'. So today is the right day to love, believe, do, and mostly; live." Beautiful.

"Endurance is not just the ability to bear a hard thing; but to turn it into glory. Endure."

"Smiling is the best way to face any problem, to crush every fear, and to hide every pain." Need I say more?

"Often people that criticize your life are usually the same people that don't know the price you paid and the strength of character it took to be where you are today." Do not do it for recognition or credit- do it for yourself.

"Life is too ironic to fully understand. It takes sadness to know happiness. Noise to appreciate silence and absence to value presence."

"Every time you smile, find positives or humour in a difficult situation, you win." 

"As you breathe right now, another person is taking heir last. So stop complaining and learn to be happy with what you have."

"Don't pray for lighter burdens, but for stronger backs." Praying can be symbolic.

"The best way out is through." Robert Frost

"I am an optomist. There does not seem much point being much else" Winston Churchill and "If you're going through hell, keep going." You can see how he kept the countries spirits up.

"Whether I fail or succeed shall be no persons undoing but my own. I am the force. I can clear any obsical before me or I can become it's victim. My choice, my responsibility. I win or I lose. Only I hold the key to my own fulfilment."

"Be miserable. Or motivate yourself. Whatever has to be done, its always your choice."

"I don't believe you have to be better than everyone else. I believe you have to be better than you ever thought you could be." Ken Venturi

"Luckily you are stronger than your habits; you can change them. If you don't like something, change it." Seven habits of highly effective people.

"Even if you fall on your face, you are still moving forward." Excellent, because I am so clumsy. I love this one, its a cute non cliché way of saying you're always learning blablabla...

"I'm not telling you its going to be easy. I'm telling you its going to be worth it." This one is a good revision/ work out moto.

"A good head and a good heart are a formidable combination" Nelson Mandela.

"Expect trouble as an inevitable part of life and repeat to yourself the most comforting words of all: This too will pass." And it does.

"Holding onto anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else: you are the one who got burnt." Buddha.

"Don't allow your wounds to turn you into a person you are not."

"Be grateful for small things, big things, and everything I between. Count your blessings not your problems" Mandy Hale.

"Take a deep breath, it is a bad day, not a bad life."

"Why be unhappy about something if it can be remedied? And where is the point of being unhappy if it cannot be remedied?" Could anything be less productive and pointless than worrying? I first saw this quote next to the library at the Dalai Lama's school for orphans and Tibetan refugees. Its a really lovely and interesting thought that makes a lot of sense when you think about it. "Worrying doesn't take away tomorrow's troubles. It takes away today's peace".

"There are two primary choices in life: To accept the conditions which we are in, or accept responsibility to change them." Denis Wastley


Friend Quotations:

“Let us be grateful to the people who make us happy; they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom.”
― Marcel Proust

"Spend your time on those who love you unconditionally. Don't waste it on those that love you when the conditions are right for them."
When your are ill a lot, sometimes you snap, and you aren't as much fun as you normally are. People show their true colours when you are ill, if they dont want to take the good with the bad then they are not real friends. And to Quote Will smith "If you're absent during my struggle, don't expect to be present during my success."

“We must find time to stop and thank the people who make a difference in our lives.”
― John F. Kennedy

"Letting people ruin your mood is like saying 'here are the controls to my life, change my mood anytime you like because I am obviously not in control of my own life!"

Cheesey ones:
"Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over; it became a butterfly."

"Without the dark, we wouldn't be able to see the stars."

'To avoid criticism;
Say Nothing,
Do nothing,
Be nothing." Instead TALK ABOUT PERIODS!

"What you share with the world is what will become your legacy."

"When life puts you in a tough situation, don't say 'Why Me?!' Say 'Try Me!".

"Remember: every person you meet is fighting something, knows something you don't and possesses a talent you don't have."

"If you can't do great things, do small things in a great way." Endo tends to inhibit sweeping victories, but it doesn't stop lots of small achievements.

"People who are crazy enough to believe they can change the world, usually do." Apple Inc. HEY YOU, you can help, spread the word on endo, or something you care about, or something that bothers you.

"If you want to test your memory, try to recall what you were worrying about one year today..." This is so true, before I get stressed out about things, I rationally ask myself whether this will matter to me in a month. If not, then it doesn't really matter now.

"Never be afraid to try something new. Remember: armatures built the ark. Professionals built the titanic."

"The conventional view serves to protect us from the taskly job of thinking" Oh you are so right John Galbraith.

"Everything you want is on the other side of fear." This applies to all sorts of things... love, careers, what you are capable to achieving even with endo.

"Do something today that the future you will thank you for." Invest in yourself.

"Life becomes easier when you accept and apology you never got." Whether it is from a friend, ex or just from life itself, you are the only loser in this situation if you are angry. Don't let it be this way. Unfortunatley life is unfair and we do not always get an apology we disurve. Thats liiiiiiiiiife, thats what people saaaaayyyy..... 

"Our lives begin to end the moment we become silent about the things that matter" Martain Luther King

The lock screen on my phone and iPad:

"Far better is it to dare might things, to vein glorious triumphs even though checked by failure, than to take rank with those timid spirits who neither enjoy much nor suffer much, because they live in the grey twilight that knows not victory nor defeat" Theodore Roosverlt- id rather a life of extremes than to be content.

"We live in Englaind,  sometimes we have to make our own sunshine."
I love this quote because well, I am British and it is slagging off the weather. Whats not to like? But also because it is an empowering quotation- actively encouraging you to make your own happiness, opposed to it finding you. And maybe finally, if the sun were a person it would be my best friend. Alice Hearts the Sun. Yep.

One of my most favorite quotations of all:
"The more you read, the more you know.
The more you know, the smarter you grow,
The smarter you grow, the stronger your voice,
When speaking your mind, or making your choice."
Now the context behind this quotation matters- but it all depends on how much you know about Tibet.

I hope maybe this has inspired some stream of thought, If you have any that you love and live by, please let me know! alice.smith@marriottfarm.co.uk

I give my blog the best of my heart and the best from my brain, this is a slice of fragile part of me and I only hope it comforts, challenges or elicits a smile,

That's all for now,

Your favorite mad chicken lady,

Al XXXX

Day 68, Happiness Is NOT Just Your Health

Endo 365

Now I am not being silly, I do know what is meant by 'Your health is your happiness'. People are being sympathetic, understanding and grateful of their own health. It is true- you do not know what good health is until you no longer have it. I know 'sick' people who get a little jealous of those healthy people who have no idea what it is to like awake at night unable to sleep through pain or worrying whether they will live to see their own daughters wedding. 

And their fustraition is equally understandable- because it's crap and because it's unfair and because 'Why ME?!' 

But this thinking does not solve anything, it does not help anything and in the long run it does not make you feel better but bitter. So if you have this tendency, stop it, drop it (like it's hot), accept it and allow yourself to be happy. You're in control of your own feelings- I will not take 'I can't' as an answer. 

I don't know about you, but when people say 'happiness if your health' sometimes I feel like punching myself in the face:

A) we all quite clearly know I do not have complete health- I do not need this highlighting (I am fairly perspective upon the former point) and I do not need you to prescribe to me how I feel because of it. Thankfully I am able to live outside cliche sayings...

B) For those amongst is who are suffering health conditions, it is a very negative, absolute statement. I can assure you this is not always the case.

C) I know plenty of happy people with awful health, and even more unhappy people with perfect health.

As humans, its ingrained into our DNA to take things for granted even without realising we do so. How would you appreciate something you are born with and didn't actively seek? How do we know what it is to be blind when we wake up to open eyes full of sight every day? 

I never think for a second to be grateful for my sight because it's just there... Do you? 

In fact, having worn glasses from the age of 12, I would say I am positively ungrateful for the sight that I do have. Which I wear contact lenses and glasses to correct it, because I am lucky enought to have that privilege. 

Note to self: Be thankful for sight. And hearing. And legs. Maybe even my healthy thighs, I guess it means I have enough to eat. 'Dear Lord, Thank you for my fat thighs...'  Thats it. My blogs couldnt get more bazar. 

I know it is very easy to get frustrated with those who grumble about pains and colds and the problems you would die for. And that can be relevent beyond just health, I have a good friend who lost her mummy and I would never dream of complaining about mind around her. Sometimes it is intolerable to hear. It's like starving and someone telling you how amazing their last grotesquely decadent their last meal was and how uncomfortably full they are now. But I know there are children in Syria right now who would love to go home to a safe comfortable farmhouse with both parents and a lovely lovely family, a free health system, having had a free and extensive education. What is a bit of pain when life is that good?  

When I start getting a bit down, The first thing I ask myself is this: What do I really know of suffering? How many people living in England know what it is like to genuinely fear for their lives every day, never knowing when they will next eat or with no where to sleep, no education and no access to free health care or a fair police force. 

So you see, happiness is not just your health, but your circumstance and attitude. I have had many amazing friends travel to the third world this year on their gap year (So Jel, I'll be there as soon as my tummy is okay) and I know they have met people in the circumstances I have just stated, and many of them are happy. 

So I think perhaps the saying should instead be 'Your Happiness is Your Choice, Your Attitude' rather than 'Your Happiness is Your Health'.  


But Now I have got myself started on 'Choice' so we would be here a while. I shall keep it short. 

I am going to stop calling myself a 'closet feminist' because we all know I am certainly not. Just because I don't grow my armpit hair, like dresses and have a boyfriend does not stop me from getting on my soap box. (Apologies for generalisation, I jest).

In order to empower myself and validate myself when I am feeling crap you must exersise your choice (this is a very useful skill to have in life- you cannot rely on other people to do this for you or go looking for it- that leads to sticky situations). I am a strong believer that in every situation there is a choice and you can empower yourself to choose for your greater good rather than just taking the easy route, the conforming route, the obvious route. You should break away and do what it best for you. Even if it is just how you think- it doesn't have to result in action all the time. Even if you feel like someone has been a whore to you and you want to cry and you cant stop it- deep down you are accepting their words and allowing them to upset you. Well empower yourself to give them 'the birds' (A colloquial term I learnt today meaning 'up yours' and the like. How exciting). If you don't like how your endo makes you feel, empower yourself to feel differently. Instead of being a victim to the pain, actively seek good and allow it to shape you into a better person, volunteer and give back, resolve some personal philosophies that enable you to cope and be happy irregardless of the situation life presents you with. 

Its amazing how comforting it is when you chose to look at the bigger picture, yes your health is a big factor to your happiness, but when you have it you probably don't even appreciate it and are worrying about something else anyway. You can choose, irregardless of your situation, to be happy.
 Empower yourself to write a list of the things you love, and then do them. 
Write a list of what is important to you, the things you value, the things you're happiest doing them and then do it every day. 
What in spires you? Can you adopt some of that? 

I love people who get on with things with a smile on their face. I made a conscious choice to become on of those people. Fake it until you make it. Soon after choosing to, it will become second nature. 

I love people who love life, see the good and make the most of everything irregardless of what walls are tumbling around them. After four years of endo and various other personal problems, I am growing into that person. And life is better, brighter and bigger because of it. By chosing to adopt that attitude I am for what feels like the first time, winning. 

Not all the time, but almost always I fall asleep grateful for my life. How lucky am I?

I can look myself in the mirror and know I am happy. And I certainly do not have my health. 

So lets not be pigeon holed as unhappy because we dont have perfect health- as people we are bigger than our health restraints, thus let not it monopolise our happiness. 

I conclude with one of my favourite quotes that suits my philosophies in almost every situation:

"Whether I fail or succeed shall be no persons doing but my own. I am the force. I can clear any obsical before me or I can become its victim. My Choice, My Responsibility. I win or I lose. Only I hold the key to my own fulfilment and happiness." 

We are incharge of our own lives. Yes we may be products of our upbringing to some extent, but if you can to change or empower yourself differently, through strength of character and determination anything is possible.

Unfortunately, I am not doing so well currently. I am in a lot of pain almost all the time but hey, I chose for it not to beat me: I'm still smiling.

All my love,

Alice Smith

XXXXX

Alice.smith@marriottfarm.co.uk