Monday, 20 October 2014

Day 259, Crying in Public Toilets With Happiness...

Endo 365 

I have been in many a weird and wonderful situation, this one, however, this one is up there. 

The point to this blog is a bloody on however cringily poignant for the everyday person.  

As you may know, I had an operation in February excising the endometrium in my naughty tummy. At the same time I had the Marina Coil implanted which has been okay, but I spotted everyday for six months and had a pain attack ever 5 days accompanied with copious amounts of tramadol (weeeeirddd dreams), morphine and bed rest. All in all a fairly unproductive inconvenience for me. So I conceded and took joint treatment (as advised) and am taking the mini pill in-conjunction. 

Now this has worked fairly well; no brake through bleeds and far less frequent pain attacks. Amazing. Perfectly timed for once as I was starting university. 

About three weeks in my body was screaming at me that I needed a break from all the WhoreMoans and so I stopped taking the pill for one week and something magical happend. 

My first proper period in five years. 

It was oddly liberating, like re-starting puberty and I felt the initial smugness I remember ironically, so long ago. 

And what was particularly amazing for me (minus the fatigue and Whoreiffic WhoreMoanal swings) was that I did not end up in hospital... and on top of that... I had next to no pain. 

Me, next to NO pain. 

I very very very rarely surprise myself health-wise. You know what it is like... We know instinctively how our body is going to respond so certain things that the doctors suggest. We know what will work and what will not. We know within minutes whether the pain will pass or whether its going to be a biggie. 

We Alice-the-expert-know-it-all did not anticipate this. 

And do you know what, for the first time ever; it felt so bloody good being wrong. Liberating even. 

Tom and mum take not of those last two sentences as they will never happen again. 

And even though I have been in daily agony since, do you know what it taught me? It is hard to type this with out it bring cringing because this word is so over used, I have never felt it in such a pure sense until I was indeed, crying with happiness in my university toilets; Hope. Thats right, Capitalised Hope. 

This beautiful realisation that my body can in fact, suprise me in a good way is what reduced me to happy tears. I can say I cannot remember whether it has ever done that, but I hope this is not the last time. 

Thankfully my endo has been caught early enough that I should be able to have children, however I have come to the terms with the fact that my side effect are so extreme I felt I absolutely knew I would not be able to naturally cycle and conceive the 'normal way'. I had accepted I would have to conceive via IVF/ have a horrible time of it irregardless. 

However now for the first time, who knows, maybe I'll be proved wrong, again. I Hope so. 

The Hope I have been given is lovely, it is not a lot but I am going to savour it and so should you, wherever you find it. 

And that, Ladies and Gentlemen, is how I ended up awkwardly crying in public toilets with happiness. 

Last weekend I attended the Endometriosis UK Information day which was a fantastic day and I heard some inspirational stories and some which brought tears to my eyes. 

But it also reminded me that: Endo is an asshole. It can be a life wrecker and it has the potential to break you. Do not let it. Search for the good and although it is so very unfair, and we have days where we cry and are angry, this is our one life cannot be anything but with endometriosis so make the most of it and search for the positives and hope because life is much brighter and better with them than without. 

It doesn't matter who you are and how you deal with your endo, if you are living with it you're an amazing woman of strength, keep going and be an example to yourself. 

Over and out, 

The Cheese Master XXXXXX

p.s email me if you need

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