Saturday, 6 December 2014

Day 308, Getting legless at Christmas

Endo 365

So this is a blog that I did not see coming, and it has strangely (very, very strangely), been quite refreshing. 

Thats the angle I am spinning to myself; refreshing. Bear this in mind for what you are about to read. I am OK- Okay

I have a few blogs written, edited and ready to go but non of them felt right and whilst we are hurtling  towards Christmas, it felt apt to write about endo in context of my new university lifestyle. And for the first time ever, I just couldn't get it out, mainly because I was not in the best place with it. I have found managing my pain on my own and keeping up with usual student antics hard and I couldn't quite sell myself the happy sale yet. 

And so whilst Alice briefly loses her perspective and seeming undying positivity (I blame the changing weather) life brings her back down with a kick

A real big kick

More like a Elephant stampede come to think about it. 

So I have grown up in a household with a passion for Rugby and at for a few seasons we were old/young enough to all have Leicester Tigers season tickets. I played when I was younger, and when  coming to university it was one of my aims to join the girls team for the fitness and crack (crack being a good time). And so I did. 

On Wednesday the 3rd of December I played in a match against Liverpool... and only 20 mins into the game I was railroaded by what can only be described as the titanic on protein shakes. 

Essentially she ran stealthily away, along with all the other girls screaming, as we realised the loud crack was assosiated with my foot, which was set at a right angle to my knee. 

Anyway, avoiding gorey details, and it being me who as every keeps saying 'doesn't do things by halves' (btw thanks guys, I take that as a complement) I have one of the worst and most rarely dislocated ankle the surgeons have ever seen. Well done Al, you've done it again gal... 

And considering the severity of my ankle, I didn't cry when it happened and I can bear the pain now. Which has been amazing for my sanity because after a while of daily endo agony... you begin to question whether you are crazy and are making it up. Well, you're not. And it is amazing to have that clarified.

So whilst we are waiting for the paramedics people were getting a bit freaked out that I was not screaming. And that is because I know that if start to panic and scream it perpetuates pain, I was focusing on keeping mentally on top of it. That's brilliant practice for pain attacks FYI... 

And I did. Until I realised that I was meant to be going to a Ball that night, and then I really started to mourn when I remembered about my University Skiing trip the following week. 

Do not get me wrong, this situation is so frustrating and so bloody unfair, I have so many amazing plans for the festive period, and I was going to work to earn some dollahh (so that I can eat at university) and the thought of not being able to return to my active lifestyle is a killer. 

I had a mini op on the Thursday where they manipulated it back into place but they didn't pin me back together because it was too swollen. So instead I am stuck in hospital for two weeks to wait for the swelling to go and then to have my op. 

I threw an absolute paddy at this; two weeks of literally lying in bed (except for showering and peeing) on a hospital ward. I was going to go mad. Done. You may as well let me jump out of the window now.  I could feel it like an infection spreading. Especially as the ward I am on is for hip fracture patience, who largely seem to be lacking some mental faculties. Fair play to Olive though, she is 92 and sharper than most of my brothers mates.  

But then when I got over myself,  I remembered this is the adult world and things very rarely play out exactly how you wish them to, and things can happen at any moment to tip your world on its head and create a whole new list of priorities and perspective for you. And as my mother rightly said; better here and now than doing it whilst skiing in France or skiing off a mountain, which I could well have done. I haven't had my foot amputated, she didn't break my back or my neck- my situation could deffinatly be worse.

The physios told me that I am unable to go back to my halls as I live up four flights of stiars and there is no lift. SO I start to panic as my january exams start on the 12th and I will deffinatly still be in my cast then and it is too far to commute... The only other option would be for me to sit them in august instead... which would put the kibosh on my trip to Uganda. This  made me cry and panic because I felt like I was being backed into a corner by something that is already such an inconvenience. So I have decide that this is not going to stop me I am going to have to work around it. 

This is one of those things that just happened, and I just have to fine away to let it become my new reality. 

I could sit here and indulge myself in angrily asking myself 'Why did you play rugby to close to your skiing trip?' or 'Why didn't you pass the ball?' 

The answer is simple; I didn't realise this would be the outcome. So why punish myself? Begrudging this time is not going to make it easier, so I am surrendering to the surprise bed rest, doing my exercises  often and giving myself the best chance and a nice christmas hopefully out of hospital. And why shouldn't it be? All my friends and family are healthy and alive. I am just currently down the function of a leg. Which is great because everyone has to taxi me around and I can be drunk 24/7! 

Sometimes with endo it can feel like you are carrying the biggest burden in the world. And we are indeed, carrying a very complex and nasty albatross, but it is important to remember it can get worse at any moment and sometimes you'll want those old problems back. So always bear in mind that the rug can go at any moment,  no matter how dark it seems, appreciate what you have now. Now of course I hope this does not happen, however it is a humbling thought to keep in mind. 

I do not feel like this for 100% of my waking hours, there are moments when it hits me that I am stuck in this ward with lovely, but slightly gaga doubly incontinant 90 year olds. And although it sounds silly, I am finding sanity in their innocence. 

So I am okay, and for the moment, mentally stronger from all of this. It has been such a massive boost for me that the endo pain I feel is as bad as I think and that I am not going mad. It sucks that I cant do that stuff but there is no peace in thinking about what might have been. I am kind of looking forward to not overcommitting myself to a hundred people and running round like a blueassedfly. It will be nice to for the first time have a really laid back christmas- plus my family deserve my time. I wont be able to drive which will get frustrating for everyone involved but it is not a Devine right so i'll have to get used to it. 

As I am getting older I am learning that it is really good for your not to always get what you want all the time. And I am not talking material goods; I'm talking about the good things in life that fall into our favour. 
Plus, it means we're just stacking  that good Karma. 

Have a good christmas, I will be constantly legless!

I am currently in Liverpool because thats where the game was, which is a real pain because I am not with friends and family at home, nor am I in Manchester. So thank you for all the calls, texts and emails, they are keeping me sain and I shall see you sooooon,

Lots of love, 


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