I could not sleep last night due to a little pain, this is not uncommon upmongst sufferers, which is ironic because normally the pain results in chronic fatigue too... When this happens I generally start reading, then my brain begins to wonder and I become a geek. I either begin reading up on conspiracy theories (brilliant for opening your mind and imagination, but rather a slippery slope), or I start philosophising. Last night I did both. I learnt a lot more about the Kennedy's and I collected more quotations for my 'Little Book of Motivation.' Upon this enlightenment, I wrote the following statement intending to start my blog with it today:
'I am sorry, I have to start by getting a disgusting notion off my chest: I am so lucky with my life, it has the perfect balance.
I live in a time and place that allows for opportunity, education, choice and freedom of speech. I have never feared for my life or known of true suffering. Living in England, there will always be food on my table and a roof over my head. However because of the burdens I carry endo and otherwise, I am living in context to the whole world, a privilege life, but am still able to see the bigger picture (if I may be so bold). It would be easy to exist in a middle class microclimate where my biggest problems are boys and the lack of clothes in my wardrobe that I currently favour. Instead I live in the amazon. I don't just see the colours in HD- I practically smell them. These two things combined; my luck at being born in England and my experience of hardship, have equated to a comfy existence with perspective. There is no greater seat to be sat in.
Because of this I live a bigger, happier fuller existence. Perspective is my key to rationality, advice and happiness. Perspective is so often overlooked but it is what gives us hope and strength.
Perspective is the fruit of adversity.'
So it has been exactly a week since my operation- happy one week birthday to my shiny new tummy. Paaaarrty.
The pain is very bearable. I partook on a pilot NHS scheme about three years ago for teenagers living with chronic pain. It was ran by two fantastic women, a pain specialist nurse and a child psychiatrist (Can I say 'Paaaaarrty again?). In all seriousness, it was well worthwhile and I hope they are still running the sessions because it taught me some strategies to deal with my pain which I still use today, and thinking about it probably contribute to my disgustingly positive outlook on life too (which isn't instinctive but learned).
Pain is like a negative circle. When you're in pain, you become distressed. When you are distressed, your pain becomes magnified by your body. If you think positively and (I cant even type this with out cringing) think happy thoughts, your synapsis excrete serotonin which means your body absorbs the happy hormones and less of the pain messages are delivered to your brain. Because I am so... Me, I think my body is blocking out a lot of the pain. And because I don't have as much pain as I thought I would, I become even happier. I have found this principle is easy to follow and incorporate into my life for more than just pain.
I have just thesaurused (new word made up by Alice, you heard it here first) 'positivity' because I am fed up of using it, but that really is the only suitable word. Perhaps its time for another new Alice word, if anyone has any please feel free to email me. ANYWAY, if you remain positive with an open mind set it becomes infectious, I have met so many people that have inspired me because they accept life as it is and enjoy everything so much more. It is all cumulative. I really do feel the same about negativity; law of attraction.
A week on I feel strong, and look forward to reviewing the results in six months. Where there is life there is hope:
"No matter how good or bad you have it, wake up each day thankful for your life. Someone somewhere else is desperately fighting for theirs."
I am not saying I go through life like a robot, never upset, the last six months of 2013 were very tough for me due to family issues and losing the friendship of two people that I loved unconditionally and still do. Rationally, I know this is pathetic in comparison to the children of Syria, I know that, but it didn't stop the grieving process. Rejection is never easy, be it your firends or your body. Allow yourself to hurt and then turn it into a positive. People often remark 'It okay for you, you are stong'. As I have proven, I am no stronger than anyone else, I simply have a little more practice and years of dealing with my endo. Have faith in yourself because if you are feeling angry, tell yourself 'the four most comforting words: This too, will pass."
Positive thinking is a discipline and a process, and if it isn't second nature to you, give yourself time, life is a learning curb. Or if you are like me it is more like a series of mountains, lots of ups and downs because you set yourself a challenge. Give yourself time to learn to think positively, 'fake it until you make it.'
The point I am trying to make is that you can empower yourself to think positively and for the best, it is a choice and often goes against human instinct. It is not always easy, and sometimes it takes a long time to truly believe it. Even though I practiced positive thinking in my everyday life and it gets easier and easier, the last six months were beyond a challenge that some days I didn't win. You cant always explain how you feel so don't beat yourself up for feeling low. Endometriosis is tough. There were days after I had been diagnosed and I was coming to terms with what endometriosis meant to my life that I used to wish I had cancer, because at least then there would be hope of a cure. I am ashamed, but I know I wasn't the first and will not be the last. Be honest with yourself about how you feel, then gently persuade yourself to see the lighter side. Our emotional intelligence is like all of life: a journey. Because I have been in that place, that bitter low, it has given me the gift of perspective that allows me to be happy and to be positive now. Indeed, you must have the bad times to feel the good, and continue to peruse the good. Give yourself space, time and forgiveness to see the positives in your situation- life is so much better when you do.
I always wanted to do something good with my endometriosis. However I knew I had to wait until I was ready, happy and accepting with my situation ensuring I passed on the best message and believed it. It takes time. Don't rush it because you'll rob yourself of its becoming.
Breaking Bad is good- however the none conformist in me resents watching it because everyone raves on about it. Tomorrow I have a local rag interview talking about the 'Million Woman March', urging all people to sign up and march with us in London to make a stand about endometriosis: http://endometriosis-uk.org/news/register-million-woman-march-endo-37163#.UvkRYX8gGSM
A week into my new life and I am sat in front of a fire having a pyjama day with a bottomless teapot of 'Lady Grey', reflecting and restoring myself ready for my exciting new journey and the rest of my life.
Thank you once again to everyone who has visited or brought me flowers or even the emails! I have been overwelming and you have no idea of the impact it has.
If you ever need some advice, firstname.lastname@example.org
All my love,
P.s Today I have had my first (and favourite) glass of wine and candle lit bath. Life is getting back to normal 😍🙈