Thursday, 19 June 2014

Day 309, Tears, Snot and Mascara

Endo 365

Now anyone that really knows me, knows that in some respects I have a icy
cold heart. Reading is probably my favourite past time, I connect with words
and stories and ideas and metaphors, and English Literature was my absolute
favourite subject at school. However unlike the other bookworms I know, I very rarely cry at books (unless they were about dying children or fertility) because,
well I am constantly aware that it is just a story. It is exactly the same with films. I have
friends who sit beside me tearing through the tissues at the Notebook or
Moulon Rouge whilst I sit there, profoundly moved or sad or whatever, but
unable to cry.

Meanwhile put on something as seemingly futile and 'comedic' as "What to
Expect When You're Expecting" and my face erodes into a meandering river of
tears, snot and mascara.

I, like most people in life, am not comfortable with being venerable. So
crying doesn't sit too easily with me- especially in anywhere public. Hence the car-park-crying ritual post consultation. Its a cracker.

That would be awfully 'un-British' of me. And Allie doesn't do crocodile

When you are going through hell, it is quite often that you just push on, do
not give yourself time to cry because sometimes we are scared we might never
stop. It is only afterwards that we tend to step back and think- Wow, that was solid. I was solid.

My earliest memory of crying was at a family day out at a theme park and I
must have been young as I had reins on (you know, like a dog lead but for
children. Yep my parents tied me up and walked me like a canine and they wonder why I have authoritative issues) Mother Darling left to go on one of those things that shoots you vertically up and waits...and waits... then comes hurtling back down again. I can remember screaming thinking it would collapse and kill my momma- I
couldn't understand why she had left me to do it... and worse, she left me
with dad. I mean who would feed me?! I would have grown up on a diet of
baked beens and silage wearing potato sacks as gucci. It is a funny memory but kinda distressing.

Firstly, I think we do not like crying because It is.. well it is upsetting
in its nature.  However, if we have something to be upset about, then crying
allows us to express ourselves and vent. And it speeds up the process, the
storm passes so much quicker, like its on fast forward. If you bottle it up,
stuff festers and that isn't good. Who wants mouldy emotions?

When we are younger we cannot properly confront how we feel so things take
time to heal, but when we are sentient adults, we have no excuse bar
cowardice, not to confront the truth and deal with how we feel. As a kid I
was seriously bullied for five years. It took me almost double that to not be angry
anymore and accept an apology I never got. To some extents I think I will always be scared and effected by it but it has happened and I am sure as hell not going to let them still win today. I am a happier, better and bigger person now because of it. And in many ways I think of it as essential Karma... It equipped me swimmingly to mentally fight my endo. I do not believe that I would fair as well had I do  now had I not had to work through that stuff as a younger Alice. So I have screamed and shouted and god knows I have cried and mourned for parts of my childhood, but the tears helped wash it under the bridge and now the burden has been lifted- and it feels great. And the best bit is that it taught me the importance of loving yourself from an early age which usually comes later on.

Endometriosis is crap. There is no two ways about it.

But so is cancer.

And living in poverty in Ethiopia.

And having your life tipped upside down in Syria.

And having your heart broken or losing a parent. 

And a million other things.

The point is bad stuff happens every day, to all sorts of people; rich or poor, good or bad. Its is all
relevant to your life and your experiences and perspective- and unfortunatly there isnt much we can do about the facts of the situation.

Don't sell your self the illusion (which I am always guilty of doing) 'I
strong and I do not cry.' No Al, you're not a robot. You're an idiot sometimes
When you are going through hell, it is quite often that you just push on, do
not give yourself time to cry because sometimes we are scared we might never

Allow yourself that time.

It is good to have the occasional cry, and sometimes for no reason. I sobbed
all the way home from work the other day in the car, no one knew (except you
reading this) and now I feel so much better. Some people would liken it to being constipated but obviously that person would not be me..

When you have endo you have so much armour up all the time to get through
the daily routine. And you are my hero. But it's heavy- so give your self a
break but without indulging in it.

I know we often cry a lot form pain, but I am not talking about that.

Empower yourself to just be. As my annoying friends sometimes tell me, it is okay to be venrable.

And then you can carry on being superwoman.

All my love,


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